Vayishlach

The secret to achieving harmony

Author: Rabbi Moshe Pruzansky

The moment that eisav learned that yaakov had “stolen” the blessings from him, he decided to take revenge on and kill his brother. As yaakov traveled from Lavan back to eretz yisrael, eisav gathered a small army and marched toward him and his camp to finally exact his revenge. Despite the fact that thirty-four years had passed (fourteen years at the academy of Shem and eiver and twenty years in Lavan’s house), eisav’s anger still flared. yaakov took the fol- lowing relatively small measures to calm eisav’s wrath: (1) He sent emissaries to eisav bearing gifts. (2) He gave his messengers specific instructions to announce to eisav that their gifts were a tribute from “your servant yaakov.” (3) When he saw eisav approaching, he bowed to him seven times.

These tactics may seem to be a rather weak attempt to reconcile a long-standing passionate grudge. yet, incredibly, when eisav reached yaakov he “embraced him, fell upon his neck, kissed him, and cried” (33:4). Many commentaries, Rashi among them, explain that this was a genuine show of brotherly love and that eisav did these acts with all of his heart. Rav Hirsch points out that one does not cry unless he is genuinely moved, for tears flow as a result of one’s innermost feelings. Indeed, yaakov’s endearing actions had marvelous results: over the course of just a few hours the feelings of hatred that eisav had harbored toward him for so many years entirely evaporated.

How can this be? eisav’s anger had not been ignited over a trivial matter. He genuinely felt that yaakov had stolen the blessings that yitzchak had intended for him. eisav was certain that as a result of yaakov’s “treachery,” he and all of his descendants had lost out on an eternity of incredible blessing. He had every reason to be furious! Furthermore, eisav was a tough hunter and warrior. How could a few presents and kind words possibly work such wonders on him?

rabbi Yishmael, who was the head of his local beis din, hired a worker who would tend to his field and bring him a basket of its produce every Friday. once, the worker brought the basket of produce to rabbi Yishmael on Thursday, one day early. rabbi Yishmael asked him why he changed the regular delivery time. The worker answered, “I came to you now because I have a court case in your beis din, and I figured that I may as well bring it to you early.” rabbi Yishmael adamantly refused to accept the produce that he brought for him and explained that this was considered bribery. Furthermore, he told his worker that despite the fact that he didn’t even accept the kind gesture, he was still disqualified from adjudicating his court case, as even witnessing that someone desires to do an act of kindness for you deeply affects you. rabbi Yishmael then promptly appointed a group of Sages to adjudicate the case in his place. on the day of the court case, rabbi Yishmael passed by the courthouse and overheard what was transpiring inside. he was very surprised to find that indeed, despite the fact that he had never even accepted what his worker brought him — which was really his fruit to begin with — he still found himself internally making a case for the worker. a voice within him said, “If only he would make a claim like this, if only he would make a claim like that!” rabbi Yishmael said, “how much more influenced would be someone who actually agreed to accept even the slightest favor from someone!” (See Kesubos 105b.)

When dealing with eisav, yaakov harnessed one of the single strongest forces on the human psyche: endearing gestures — also known as bribery. In fact, this force is so strong that, halachically, even someone as great as Moshe Rabbeinu would become partial and be disqualified from judging a case if someone did something as trivial as giving him a hand up a flight of stairs. Why do favors have such an incredible effect on a beneficiary? The Gemara explains that “shochad,” the Hebrew word for bribery, is a blend of the two words shehu chad, “that he is one.” This means that when someone accepts a favor, he becomes “one” with the giver. The same way that it is natural for a person to overlook his own flaws and only see the good in himself, when a person receives something from another he will naturally look out for and only notice the good in the giver (Kesubos 105a–b; see Rashi). yaakov understood this well. With a strong desire for peace, he gave to eisav monetarily (the gifts), verbally (“your ser- vant yaakov”), and through actions (bowing to him). Through these acts, he accomplished the “impossible” — he succeeded in bringing eisav to embrace, forgive, and forget. yaakov turned what may have resulted in an incredible tragedy into a reunion of true brotherly love. Indeed, the power of sincere and thoughtful gestures is simply in- credible!* Whether with our boss, co-workers, friends, spouse, children, etc., we all desire to have a good relationship with those around us. Through this week’s parashah and the Gemara (Kesubos 105a–b), Hashem is teaching us that one of the most powerful methods of creating peace and unity is through sincere acts of respect, affection, and courtesy. Indeed, bribery is only a negative act when used to sway a court case or for other nefarious purposes. However, when used properly, it can be a tremendous tool for good. If such actions could melt even eisav’s wrath and bring him to fall on his brother’s neck and cry, consider how much greater an effect it can have on an acquaintance or some- one we are already in good standing with! Something as simple as holding a door open for another, greeting others with a bright smile and in a positive manner, and giving compliments are easy gestures that promote healthy harmony and make you “one” with others. In fact, most of the people that we all already enjoy being with often display many of these qualities.

When you need to make peace with another or simply desire to promote good will among the people around you, never underesti- mate the power of a sincere kind word or a small favor. If we would all do small sincere acts of respect, affection, and courtesy for each other, it would work wonders on our state of harmony and make the world we live in a truly better place.